


The Essence of His Magic

by EmeraldWaves



Series: A Little Bit of Magic Goes A Long Way [3]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Collab, Disneyland, Disneyland fun times, Dissociation, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Jean is always struggling, Jeremy is very excited, M/M, Panic Attack, References to past trauma, references to Jean's time as a Raven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:00:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24273940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldWaves/pseuds/EmeraldWaves
Summary: Jean isn't looking forward to seeing Neil or Andrew again. He doesn't need the reminder of his past, not when he's trying to accept he can be happy. Despite his mind fighting against him, he really is trying; for his sake and the sake of the Trojans.However, Jeremy is so excited to take them all to DIsneyland, and who is Jean to deny Jeremy a trip to the Happiest Place on Earth?
Relationships: Alvarez/Laila Dermott, Jeremy Knox/Jean Moreau, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: A Little Bit of Magic Goes A Long Way [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687102
Comments: 12
Kudos: 135





	The Essence of His Magic

Somehow, Jean's face gets paler when Jeremy tells him Neil and Andrew are coming to visit. His whole body goes numb and he ascends to some other plane of existence. There's no way this visit will go well, but Jeremy is so excited about it, (like he is most things) and Jean doesn't want to bring the mood down (like he so often does).

All Jeremy had to say was 'Neil' and Jean is gone. The diner doesn't exist, Alvarez and Laila aren't across from him. He's back at that place; pressing down into sheets, suffocating, stuffy air mucking up his lungs. It's dark and real, and it sinks its talons into his memories, clawing up old emotions. His chest is tight, his body caving in on itself.

"Jean?" Jeremy's voice is like a bell, ringing and summoning him back to the present. The diner's bright neon pink and blue lights glisten on Jeremy's tan cheeks. Jean is staring, mouth slightly agape.

Shit. Jeremy probably said something, and Jean completely missed it. He hates when he dissociates, unable to follow along with whatever Jeremy is saying. He doesn't want to, it just happens completely out of his control, like his skull is cracked open and his mind is yanked involuntarily back to the darkness.

"Jean?" Jeremy asks again, tilting his head in his cute puppy dog way.

He has to answer, he has to. "Hm?" he asks, as noncommittally as he can.

"Did you hear what I said?" Jeremy smiles, and Jean's eye twitches. Oh, did he. He doesn't want to hear it again.

"Yeah," Jean mutters. He wants to excuse himself, but Jeremy starts talking, excitement leaking from his pores.

"I mean, I don't know how I feel about the Foxes taking potential Trojan recruits from California-"

"You know, Jeremy, not all Trojan recruits are from California," Laila snorts, lunging over the table to dip her french fry in the cheese on Jeremy's plate.

He slaps her hand playfully and she giggles, shoving it into her mouth. "I'm just saying," she says, crudely licking her fingers.

Even after all this time, It still blows his mind how _casual_ the Trojans are. Everything is _fun_ ; Jean's certain before them, he never ate at Denny's. Though he wasn't missing out on much.

"I know that," Jeremy says, folding his arms across his chest. He looks like a pouting child, and it's only accentuated by the grilled cheese and cheese fries in front of him.

"I mean you have two examples right here! Me, and Frenchy," she says, gesturing to herself and Jean. "And we're two of the best players," she smirks, looking awfully proud of herself.

Next to her, Alvarez scoffs.

"Babe!" Laila cries out, flopping against her dramatically.

"I didn't disagree," Alvarez says flippantly.

Jean snorts; the three of them are always so lively, he still doesn't know how to respond to such normalcy.

"Wait," Laila says, slamming her hands against the table.

Jean jumps, the sound piercing in his ears. He digs his nails into his palms, ignoring the noises echoing in the back of his mind.

"Did Jean just _laugh_?!" Laila gasps.

Jean glances to the side. "I'd call it a snort."

Jeremy bursts out laughing at that, leaning against the back of the booth. "It was close enough!" he says, turning to face him with such a genuine smile. "One of these days, I'll get to hear your real, full out laugh."

Jean leans back, blinking as if he's been hit with a burst of sunshine.

He doesn't have a response so he stares down at the table, his half-eaten salad a pathetic attempt at dinner. He’s not even sure he has a ‘real, full out laugh.’

Jeremy lets his elbow bump against Jean's. It's a light tap, gentle, and somehow Jean knows exactly what it means.

_Whenever you're ready._

He does like to think he's getting better. He might not be, but something about being around all of them makes him want to believe.

Jeremy's a little... magical like that. And Jean normally hates that word. With Jeremy it’s appropriate.

"Anyway, like I was saying, Andrew and Neil are going to be here this weekend, which means..." Jeremy trails off, a familiar twinkle glistening in his bright eyes.

"Oh no..." Alvarez says.

"Oh yes!" Jeremy cries out, reaching into his pocket with lightning speed. He yanks out his Disney pass and places it on the table like he's showing off the most important item he's ever owned. "Disneyland!"

"We just went last weekend-" Jean begins to say and the girls’ eyes are so wide, he automatically knows he's made a mistake.

"So!? We didn't go with Neil and Andrew!"

Jean thinks that's probably for the best.

"And we can go to Disneyland every weekend, Jean. That's why you have the Signature pass," he points out. "Though I don't know if the girls can go this weekend. They only have Deluxe."

"Can you get down off your high horse? Why would we pay for Signature when we just mooch the free parking off of you." Laila snorts.

"We have way less blockout dates," Jeremy smirks. He's ridiculously proud of this thing Jean truly doesn't understand.

"So- wait! Did you really buy Jean Signature?" Laila asks, glancing between both of them.

"Of course he did," Alvarez says flatly before either boy can respond.

"Jean just moved here. He needs to make up for a lifetime of missing out on this!" Jeremy explains.

Jean's not sure he can handle a lifetime of Disneyland.

"Right," Alvarez says, brushing him off. "Anyway, yeah, we can come with you guys this weekend."

Jean supposes he didn't have much say in the matter.

"Yes!" Jeremy cheers. "It's gonna be great! I wonder if they've ever been before?! What do you guys think?"

Laila babbles on with Jeremy, planning out what rides they should go on and Jean tunes them out.

He wants to focus on the conversation, but his mind keeps wandering to Neil. He hasn't seen him in so long, Andrew too. Ultimately, that's for the best. He much prefers it this way. He knows he's a paranoid person, but something about Andrew worries Jean. Every time Andrew is around him, the guy always looks like he's one bad day away from murdering Jean. He wants to say it's in his head but he's seen the look in Andrew's eyes. He knows it's not.

He wishes he could avoid the Foxes, but given Jeremy's excitement, Jean knows it won't be possible. Maybe in person, it won't be that bad.

~~

As it turns out, things are far worse in person. There’s only been one other person with a gaze to make Jean shrink away and Andrew is giving that guy a run for his money. The blond is glaring daggers at him and Jean can't even blame him. He's not sure what Neil has told him, but Jean wouldn't blame Andrew if he whipped out a knife and stabbed Jean right in the chest.

Cool.

He could be the first person to ever die at Disneyland.

He wants to hide behind Jeremy, but he knows that's not fair. He can't keep relying on Jeremy for everything. Anytime something doesn't go exactly as Jean anticipates, he searches for him. He looks for Jeremy's excited eyes and happy smile and he prays he can cling to those things and keep the small amount of happiness Jeremy has given him.

Instead, he keeps looking down at the ground, counting the cobblestones . How many other people have walked this road and felt like they were experiencing true suffering? He can only imagine the number is low, since this is the 'Happiest Place on Earth'.

Occasionally when he looks up, Andrew's glare meets his gaze and he immediately looks back down.

"Jean!" Jeremy chuckles. "What are you doing? You keep moving around so much the ears are gonna fly off your head."

"Ah-" Jean begins to mention the time Jeremy chucked the ears halfway down Main Street, but Jeremy leans in close. Jean can see the small freckles that litter his nose and cheek bones and his face flushes.

"Your ears looked like they were about to fall off." He reaches up and adjusts the headband, pushing them back on Jean's head.

"Oh..." he says softly, his heart throbbing in his chest when Jeremy's thumbs brush against his real ears.

His mouth is open and he keeps his eyes locked on Jeremy. A small scoff comes from next to him and he glances down at Andrew. He's not looking at Jean, and he can tell Andrew isn't looking on purpose.

Again, Jean can't really blame him.

Funnily enough, Neil doesn't seem to care. He said hello to Jean like nothing was wrong, and right now he seems to be taking in all the sights, the signs and streets. It kind of reminds Jean of how he was the first time he was here. In many ways, he and Neil are similar, he recognizes that. For people like them, people who have never had control over their lives, Disneyland is nightmare fuel.

Though Neil looks calmer than Jean remembers him being before. It's probably because of the blond standing at his side. If Andrew glares at any threat the way he glares at Jean, Jean is certain Neil must feel protected.

"Beautiful isn't it!" Jeremy says, and Jean looks away from the Foxes. The less he focuses on the angry little blond the better. "Did you know Disneyland brings in an average of-"

"50,000 people a day," Jean mutters, remembering how many times Jeremy has given this speech both at the park and whenever he talks about it back at USC. Admittedly, Jean hates when he brings it up, because he likes to imagine the park is empty except for him and Jeremy. It's the only way he survives the crowds; pretending no one else exists but Jeremy.

A laugh erupts from Jeremy's mouth, and he gently nudges Jean. "I'm happy you're learning, dude!"

"It's hard not to when you talk about it all the time," Jean snorts. He's serious, but he says it playfully enough that Jeremy's face doesn't lose the beautiful goofy smile Jean loves so much.

"True, true," Jeremy says, spinning around to look at the other two. "Oh my god, what should we do first?"

Both Neil and Andrew are looking at Jeremy like he's got five heads, like he's some kind of alien creature neither of them understand.

Jean can relate to that. He felt similarly around Jeremy at first.

"Uh..." Neil mutters, both of the Foxes clearly uncertain of how to answer. Well, Neil looks like he doesn't know what to say, Andrew looks like he could care less about answering.

Jeremy continues on, listing possible rides they could start with, not caring that neither of the Foxes seem to care about a word he's saying. Jean isn't going to stop him either. This is Jeremy's drug, his happiness, and Jean would be damned if anything took that away. He lets Jeremy ramble and ramble, he still doesn't care much about Disneyland, but he finds he's happy to listen.

"Jean, what's your favorite ride?" Jeremy asks finally, after rambling about how important certain rides are.

Jean doesn't really love any of the rides. The rides aren't why he comes here, but... he supposes there is one ride he really enjoys, if only because of what Jeremy said about it relating to him one time.

Okay, that's a little pathetic, but he appreciated the compliment.

"Indiana Jones," he answers, not needing time to think about it.

"Mine too!" Jeremy smiles eagerly.

Jean's heart skips a beat. He never realized Indiana Jones was Jeremy's favorite ride. Mostly because Jeremy talks about every ride at Disneyland like it's his favorite. But no, Indiana Jones is his favorite and he told Jean he reminded him of it.

Sometimes Jeremy doesn't seem like a real person.

He stares down the street while Jeremy continues on his normal speech about Main Street and shopping and places they could also eat. Jean spots Laila and Alvarez walking up, hand in hand, wearing their matching USC Mickey ears.

Turning toward Jeremy, Jean tugs on the top of his ears to stop his essay speech. "The girls are here."

"Hey guys!" Laila calls out, waving. "Hey Foxes," she laughs. Neither Neil nor Andrew really acknowledge her, but she doesn't seem all that phased by it.

Jeremy is about to launch into more explanations, gesturing wildly to the various sections of the park. Thankfully, Laila stops him from ranting even more about Star Wars Land. Jeremy hates that part of the park, refuses to go in there. Admittedly, Jean has never seen Star Wars, so he doesn't really have an opinion either way. However, he listens to Jeremy, because the last thing he wants to do is upset him, especially when he gets so passionate about the subject.

Now that the girls are here, Jeremy starts planning things out even more. He mentions Thunder Mountain and the Matterhorn, he babbles about Space Mountain and getting Fast Passes.

Finally, he turns back to the Foxes. "Neil, you and Andrew have never been here right? Maybe I should've gotten you a map, for the experience you know?" He pauses, as if he really regrets it, but quickly turns his head up to the other two. "It's fine though, _I_ know where everything is. You're in good hands!"

Truer words have never been spoken. Jean honestly wouldn't trust anyone else to lead him around Disneyland.

"Oh, that reminds me!" Jeremy says, breaking Jean from his thoughts. He drops his large backpack on the ground, and starts digging through it. It doesn't take long for him to pull out two custom sets of ears. They're just like the USC ones, only they're white and orange for Palmetto.

Jeremy holds them out to the two boys. "You guys can match!"

Jean expects them both to say no. He waits for it, Andrew especially doesn't seem like the type. However, Neil leans forward and takes the ears without a word of complaint.

"I'm not wearing those," Andrew says, and Jean watches Jeremy's face sink.

If Jeremy had asked, Jean would've warned him not to order ears, but Jeremy often forgets that people do not share the same sentiment about Disneyland.

Jeremy pulls the other set back to his chest, looking as if Andrew just stabbed him with the rejection. Jean clenches his fists. It's rare that anger boils so prominently in his chest. It's an emotion he's familiar with, one he learned to swallow and bury with ease. Anger never got him anywhere at the Nest and he doesn't like to stir up old bad feelings, but...

He wants to grab the ears and slam them on Andrew's head so Jeremy won't look so damn upset.

But he also doesn't want to get stabbed. It's a conundrum.

"O-oh," Jeremy says, his fingers touching the round ears. "Well, I guess I'll wear them then! Neil, you and I can match! I don't want you to be alon-"

The anger jumps up to Jean's throat and catches there. What? Jeremy would actually change out of his USC ears to wear Palmetto colors and match with... Neil?

Jean sucks in air rapidly. He doesn't have any problem with Palmetto, he appreciates them actually, regardless of Andrew's obvious hatred of him. However, _orange_ is not Jeremy's color. It would be... so strange to see him wearing ears of a different color.

It shouldn't bother him. It's just a pair of ears but they always wear the USC ears. They always match when they come to Disney. In fact, he feels a little foolish matching with Laila and Alvarez, like he's some awkward third wheel. Not that he and Jeremy are...

Andrew lunges forward and grabs the ears, shoving them on his head.

Jean blinks, watching the blond storm away from Jeremy. Well, that solves that problem.

"Oh-" Jeremy starts to say, but they've started to walk away. "You guys look great!" he comments instead, oblivious to the heated anger radiating off of Andrew.

Letting out a soft sigh, Jean didn't realize he wasn't breathing. Jeremy zips his bag and hops up. "Guess they can lead the way!" he chuckles, tapping Jean's wrist to follow after them.

He stumbles forward, following Jeremy while he watches the two Foxes heading for a churro cart up ahead. Neil looks better since Jean saw him, or since they were both at the Nest. It helps, not being in a horrible, suffocating environment where everything is dark and no one has any say in what happens behind closed doors.

Everything about him, from this distance, seems... _normal_ , maybe even happy. Or perhaps comfortable is a better word. He doesn't look like he's about to bolt at the drop of a hat, and he seems relatively calm, despite the amount of people around.

Jean knows it's because of Andrew. He sees the way Neil leans in toward him and the way he is constantly staring even when Andrew is doing nothing of interest. And Andrew, despite what Jean knows of him, what Jean has experienced of the short, angry blond... Jean can see he's softer around Neil; Neil's fire melts the ice Andrew internally clings to.

Jealousy curls in Jean's stomach and his gaze flicks to Jeremy's fingers. They're gentle, and considerate, like nothing Jean's ever felt before. He wants to wrap his scarred, broken fingers around Jeremy's and squeeze as tight as he can until Jeremy realizes how grateful he is

But he can't. He's so damn pathetic and he just... he can't.

More than anything he wants to be normal. He doesn't want to flinch when Jeremy touches him. He doesn't want to feel suffocated by the crowds, like the people will encircle him and trap him there, unable to move, unable to escape.. He doesn't want to bring down the mood when he finds himself somewhere else during a Trojan party. He hates the anger he feels when steps onto the court, wanting to throw his stick down.

He honestly keeps wondering when Jeremy will get sick of him.

It never seems to happen though. Even now, Jeremy is stealing bites from Jean's churro and babbling on about how important it is they ride Indiana Jones.

They argue back and forth for a bit, and Jeremy doesn't seem to notice how angry Andrew is, or how he mutters under his breath about Jean’s potential demise the first time he rode Indiana Jones. Jeremy laughs it off as funny, holding his stomach as he roars with laughter.

It's then Andrew pulls out his phone, typing something out as he walks over to Jean, holding it up for him.

In tiny black letters it reads: _'I despise you'_

Jean swallows, glancing toward Neil then back down at the letters. He nods.

He gets it.

Andrew backs away and Jean lets the text sink in, the words burning onto the back of his eyelids. Every time he blinks he sees those words.

_'I despise you'_

_'I despise you'_

_'I despise you'_

They silently echo with each blink, and Jean wishes he could fully explain that yeah, he despises himself too, especially when he looks at Neil. His head is pounding and he can't hear what any of them are saying anymore, the words around are muffled, like he's underwater and his ears are clogged.

Neil and Andrew are dating, have been for while. It makes sense Andrew would _know_.

His chest hurts, and he tries to stop memories from becoming clearer. The '3' burns on his cheek and he resists the urge to dig his nails into his face and scratch it right off. 

Breathe. 

Breathe. 

The Nest doesn't exist anymore, he's not there. Neil's not there. _He's_ gone. California is miles away. He repeats the facts over and over in his head like a mantra until only one thought becomes clear.

Jean deserves whatever punishment Andrew wants to give him.

~~

"Ah!" Jeremy sighs, pulling in a deep breath through his nose. "The French Quarter! The land of your people!"

Jean raises his eyebrows and shakes his head. "Jeremy, the French Quarter is in New Orleans, not France." He's told him this before, many times, but Jeremy says it every time they come here.

At some point, they separated from the others. He wonders momentarily if Neil and Andrew will be okay on their own, but decides to keep his minor concern to himself. He'd rather not be around Andrew right now.

It's unsurprising to lose Laila and Alvarez, that happens often. So often, Jean expects it now, and quite frankly he doesn't mind. Jeremy likes to tell him all the facts about Disneyland and Jean enjoys seeing him happy. The girls tend to cut him off or shut him up. It's always playful, and Jean's certain they've heard it all a million times, but Jean just enjoys Jeremy's voice.

He's got this way of speaking, happiness constantly laced throughout his tone. It reminds him of how Kevin speaks when he's on T.V., but Jeremy's tone is _real_ , like he's never known another way to talk. He also talks a little bit like he's been surfing in California his whole life. The blatant American accent is cute, and it suits him, Jean thinks. He could listen to him all day.

"Oh yeah!" Jeremy laughs, rubbing his forehead. "I always forget that! It's inspired by France though, right? I mean they had to get the name from _somewhere_."

Jean nods, staying silent.

"Can I ask you something?" Jeremy says, spinning on his heels.

"Sure."

"What's Paris like?" Jeremy asks. "I, uh, actually have never been out of the country. Pretty lame, huh? My mom always said we should see all of the U.S before we travel abroad and I never had the chance to study abroad because of Exy."

Halting where he stands in front of Cafe Orleans, Jean stares at the eager look on Jeremy's face. _He_ never wanted Jean to talk about France. He hated his accent, he hated when he spoke French, he hated it all. Jean had tried to erase it, but some memories clung to his brain too hard.

And here Jeremy stands, _asking_ Jean about it.

He pulls a deep breath in. "I didn't live there, I grew up in Marseille, but I visited Paris with my mother a few times. It's surrounded by culture and history and delicious food. Cafes line the streets and buildings are so close together, but they feel very European, compared to here at least. There are a lot of people and I swear, they speak faster there too," he chuckles, pausing briefly. "I... don't remember it as well as I would like," he admits finally.

"I guess we'll just have to take a trip there."

A shiver rolls through Jean's spine. He imagines it; France with Jeremy. He'd be so fascinated by everything, so excited to see everything. He'd let Jean show him around, and maybe he could take him to his hometown too. It had been years, the memories like paintings in his mind, and they could use a fresh coat of paint.

"Actual Paris?" Jean asks, a smirk pulling across his lips. "Or do you mean Disneyland Paris?"

"Well, if we're there," he hums. "We could always stop by."

"I suppose," Jean scoffs playfully, folding his arms across his chest.

"I'll have to brush up on my French!" Jeremy says, a look of determination passing through his eyes.

"Uh," Jean says, thinking of Jeremy's horrible French accent. "I can do all the talking."

Jeremy smiles and slowly reaches forward, letting his hand gently squeeze Jean's shoulder. It's such a gentle, tentative touch, ready to pull away if Jean isn't okay with it. "There we go. You were being so quiet!"

"A-Ah..." Jean stammers, caught off guard. "I... uhm..."

"Sorry," Jeremy chuckles. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."

Jean rubs his lips together, letting out a sigh. " _Oui, bien_."

Jeremy raises an eyebrow. "Jean, you only revert to French when you don't know what to say in English or you're lying."

He hates that Jeremy has noticed that.

"It's..." He rubs his hand together, upset Jeremy saw through it. Since when had he become so damn transparent. "It's Andrew."

"Andrew?" Jeremy says, and suddenly looks around. "Oh, uhm... we lost them!?" He suddenly looks panicked. "Why didn’t you say we lost them sooner?!"

"I... no, Jeremy. I..." Jean stammers.

"Crap! I promised to show them around and I-"

"Andrew hates me." Jean blurts it out and it sounds ridiculous, despite knowing it's true.

Jeremy freezes and snorts. "Andrew!? That guy's a riot! Are you kidding me, Jean? You're just being paranoid."

He's not.

He closes his eyes and the words appear again.

_'I despise you'_

"I'm not, I-" He swallows, struggling to find the words.

There's a lot he hasn't told Jeremy about. He knows the Ravens forced Jean to do things he didn't want but he doesn't know to what extent and Jean's not sure he can tell him.

"What? How could he possibly hate you?" Jeremy chuckles softly, stepping closer to him. "The Foxes are the ones that helped you-"

"No," Jean snaps, cutting Jeremy off. "Renee is the one who helped me and..." He sucks in a breath but it doesn't feel like it makes it to his lungs.

His hands feel sweaty under the California sun and he tries to stop the memories from spiraling. He doesn't want to think about Neil and the way he squirmed when he held him down. He doesn't want to think about how easy it was to keep Neil in place.

Or how grateful he was, that for _once_ , Riko's torture was aimed at someone else.

Andrew has every right to despise him.

His mouth runs dry and he glances around. There are so many people here, walking by him, talking near him, laughing, even crying. He just needs to breathe, but he can't. His lungs aren't working.

He just needs to have a moment away from all this and the last person he wants to see is standing right in front of him. He doesn't need Jeremy to see him one step away from a panic attack.

"Jean? Jean, hey... are you okay?"

Jeremy's hands are wrapped around his shoulders and Jean tries to focus on them. Gentle, comforting, warm. Gentle, comforting, warm...

"I can't..." He brings his hand to his chest, motioning to it.

"C'mon," Jeremy says, and finally their hands connect. This isn't the way Jean imagined it, but his fingers tingle and the warmth travels all the way up his arm and into his heart. Finally, he pulls in a breath.

Jeremy leads him down past Cafe Orleans and the exit to Pirates of the Carribean, taking him to a back alley lined with a few shops and a man painting caricatures. There are still people, but the space is a little more intimate with less crowds rushing by them on the path.

Finally, Jean can breathe and he pants heavily pulling air into his lungs. "Hey, hey... if you can tell me, what happened?"

"I-I can't, not here," Jean whispers. This is Jeremy's happy place, Jean can't ruin this, not like he ruins everything else.

"Okay, that's fair," Jeremy says, always so understanding. He keeps his hands on Jean's shoulders, a safe zone. "I'm just worried, you looked like you were about to have a panic attack in the middle of the path. Did Andrew say something to you?"

Jean shakes his head. It's not a lie. Andrew didn't _say_ anything.

"Then, why do you think he hates you?"

"Th-The Ravens," he says, choking back tears. He can't cry, he can't. He doesn't want to look like a fool.

"Look, Jean, I know a lot happened there and I want you to tell me about it when you’re ready... but I'm sure Neil and Andrew understand," Jeremy says.

Jean's honestly not sure they do and he takes a moment to breathe, grounding himself with Jeremy's touch. He lives here now, Jeremy is touching him, Jeremy is here for him, he can live in this moment, he can get past this memory. "I...I don't... I don't want to ruin today," he says finally.

A chuckle slips from Jeremy's lips. "Jean, you're not ruining anything. You never ruin anything."

"It's always me with the problem," he mumbles, looking down to the ground.

"And I don't know how many times I need to tell you I don't care if you have a problem. You're a human being and you have emotions. I want you to share them with me... I'm your captain and I'm your... your friend," he says, pausing before the last bit, like he wasn't quite sure how to label things. "Just tell me what you need," he chuckles softly. "Don't you get it? I wanna help you."

Jean swallows. What _does_ he need? His dark eyes meet Jeremy's concerned blues. His brow is furrowed, and he looks nervous, like he's one second from losing Jean to an unknown force he can't control. Swallowing, Jean realizes he just needs Jeremy's smile. It's brighter than the California sun and it makes Jean believe there's no darkness in the world. It buries his awful memories so deep, it's like they don't exist.

"Can you... can you do... your Disneyland thing?"

A smile appears on Jeremy's lips. "My Disneyland thing?"

"You know..." Jean says, waving his hand around. "Where you... talk about all the facts?"

Jeremy's face lights up as if Jean's just given a child permission to eat all the candy in the candy shop.

"I can definitely do that, and I know _just_ the place to go."

~~

They end up in line for the Haunted Mansion and Jeremy spends the entire line explaining the differences between the Disneyland line and the Disney World line. He explains it so eloquently, Jean is convinced Jeremy is a travel agent for Disney in some capacity.

"So, this is actually my other favorite ride," Jeremy says.

Jean smirks. "Is it? To be honest, I'm surprised you even have favorite rides."

Snorting, Jeremy rubs his forehead. "I know, I know, it's really hard to pick. All of them are amazing."

A chuckle slips from Jean's lips while Jeremy lists off other rides he enjoys. "But seriously," he sighs. "I love the design of this ride. The elevator that takes you down to the track?! How cool is that?! It's the best illusion, and I'll point out all my favorite parts of this ride," he explains. "It's so cool how they capture the _essence_ of magic."

Jean's lost in the moment then, listening to Jeremy. The second they get on the ride, Jeremy starts pointing everything out. "See that, there's a mirror in the back, reflecting where the candle is," he says.

He recites the voice over that plays in the car, even making his voice deeper to match the hoaky, spooky voice the man is putting on.

They come to the room with the dancing spectres and Jeremy explains the sheet of glass they use to project the animatronics onto the floor, giving them the ghostly effect. "And look, see that small dot? Apparently, a kid shot the glass screen with a BB gun and they covered it up with the spider design so they didn't have to replace the glass. It would've been way more expensive."

The ride moves them into a room with a ghost bride and Jeremy lights up again. "This is the best part of the ride during the holidays. They have a naughty and nice list in this wedding room. One year, my name popped up on the naughty list when I was a kid, and my mom told me it was accurate. I was so convinced I wasn't going to get any presents that year," Jeremy laughs. "At Christmastime, we gotta come back! Plus you gotta see all the decorations they put around the park."

Jean's never been one to care about the holidays. They didn't celebrate anything like that after he went to the Nest, but doing some sort of celebration in California with Jeremy, even at Disneyland, doesn't sound horrible.

He continues on, making sure Jean sees everything in the graveyard scene too. "See, peak in that one large grave. That's the spookiest ghost to me!" he laughs, wiggling his fingers. "So scary."

"Oh yes, terrifying," Jean chuckles.

"Are you scared of this ride too?" Jeremy smirks, leaning in toward him.

"O-Of course not!" Jean stammers, turning away from him with a pout. "I wouldn't be scared of Indiana Jones now either!"

"Oh sure, sure!" Jeremy teases, nudging him gently. "We'll ride it again and see how you react. That will be the real way we decide."

He gasps suddenly and points at the mirror. "Oh no Jean! We have a ghost hitchhiking!" he says, waving his hand in front of Jean's face. A chubby ghost with a top hat covers Jean's body in the mirror.

Snorting, Jean pushes Jeremy's hand. "You're such an idiot."

"Hey, I made you laugh. That's all that matters to me," he says, hopping out of the car as it pulls up to the exit.

They take the escalator back up to the exit of the ride, Jeremy still explaining some of his favorite facts. Honestly, any panic Jean felt has dissipated and he's happy to listen to Jeremy ramble on and on.

His gaze flicks to Jeremy's hand and he wants to hold it again. He thinks about Neil and Andrew, being a couple here and what that might mean for them. He knows Alvarez and Laila always hold hands here, kiss during the fireworks, all those typical couple things.

Jean's heart drops when he looks at Jeremy's smile again, his eyes lingering on his lips for a little longer than normal.

He wants to kiss him.

He wants to thank him and he wants to kiss him and more than anything he wants to hold Jeremy in his arms and protect his smile and feel safe. The more he thinks about it the longer the list of desires he has grows.

What does this mean?

His hand twitches next to his hip, so desperate to reach out for Jeremy. For a while, he was satisfied to take Jeremy's hand when he reached out for him, and now... he selfishly wants to take Jeremy's hand on his own.

Jeremy called himself his captain and his friend, and there's a lingering word Jean wishes he could say.

For now, he's going to swallow this... crush. Regardless of all that, Jeremy keeps him grounded, and Jean is satisfied with that, he should be. He doesn't deserve anything more from Jeremy.

Jeremy keeps him happy, that's all he needs.

Stretching up, Jeremy glances away from the Haunted Mansion. "Hey, should we find the others? Are you feeling better?"

Jean nods, knowing he can't avoid the others forever. "Probably smart."

"Yeah, I feel a little bad we ditched them," Jeremy chuckles awkwardly. "I, uh, didn't mean to do that."

"It's okay. I'm sure they're fine," Jean says.

"Yeah," Jeremy sighs. "And hey, try not to worry too much. I promise Andrew and Neil don't hate you. I don't think anyone could hate you!"

If only that were true.

Jean decides it's best to let it go, especially now that he has calmed the storm inside his head.

~~

They find the girls and the Foxes back at Main Street. "Andrew! Neil!" Jeremy is quick to rush up to them and apologize for accidentally ditching them.

He's so considerate of everyone. Even when he's lost in his own excitement and fantasies, he somehow comes back to make sure everyone around him is okay. Jean supposes that's what a _good_ captain is supposed to do. Then again, Jeremy's just a good person, Exy aside.

Jean can't take his eyes off of him, realizing he would follow this guy anywhere. On the court, through Disneyland, wherever. As long as Jeremy will have him as a friend, he'll stay at his side.

There was probably a better word than friend for these feelings, though he's not quite sure how to define it.

His eyes meet Andrew's, receiving another glare from the unruly blond. He swallows and bows his head, stepping closer to Jeremy.

Jean doesn't expect forgiveness, but maybe Andrew will realize Jean isn't a threat. Here, he's free to live how he wants, and he would never do anything to hurt anyone ever again. Maybe one day he'll work up the courage to apologize properly. He knows Andrew isn't the type to accept that sort of thing, but saying it would be... good, he thinks.

As long as he can stay with Jeremy, and the Trojans, he thinks he can be happy, safe. Maybe, just maybe, he'll continue to get better.

**Author's Note:**

> It's a part 2!! AND a collab with my BFF Adrianaaaa <3 TBH I'm so glad we had the chance to collab on this because it's an idea both of us have talked about in such depth!! (like until 2-3AM) We have so many jerejean/andreil Disneyland headcanons XDDD She wrote some of the dialogue here, so thank you for that and I hope everyone enjoys our little overlapping fic. TBH originally this was going to be more humorous but Jean decided otherwise LOL I love him so much and i Just want him to be happy. ( I do have more fics planned for this series as well <3)
> 
> Read Adri's fic [Here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24273607)
> 
> AFTG [Twitter](https://twitter.com/kevinstopbeinga)


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